Confession time:

It has been a long time since my last real workout. I mean a workout in a traditional sense. Each day I find SOMETHING to do no matter how stupid it feels to only do one or two things. I have just been so afraid of screwing my life up any worse. What if I fall and break something, what if my foot gets stuck and I break something, what if I cant walk after I am done what if I don't recover and that then is a new normal? What if God forbid, I over do it and cannot make it through the rest of my day that is booked solid with clients? 

Omg I know better, most of the above wouldn't kill me (in fact other than a new less desirable norm being set, all of the above would be all right)  but my heart is afraid. My emotions are controlling my actions and that is terrible! Its just not me. Its not who I am or who I have ever been or ever wanted to be. So it has got to stop. I am going to make a major effort to be braver. Otherwise things will not go well. So of course this means humble pie for me :-( it means not leaving home without some sort of med, and the stupid cane. It means doing a workout regardless of the fear of  defeat. Things are different but I need to adjust instead of resist and cower. I need to trust that my body will indeed recover, and I need to honor it by giving in to what it needs even if in the end that means humility, which leads me to ponder why it is that each time I make time to write it somehow involves my need for humility? 

Last time I wrote I hadn't been diagnosed, and I was feeling such admiration and 
respect for my clients who had scary things that they couldn't control going on with their bodies. Now somehow by a rude twist of whatever you want to call it, I have joined them. 

Somehow, during this journey I have developed this (very wrong very arrogant) idea that I can somehow control what is happening to my spinal cord and brain. It has been 
insidious. I have modified an awful lot (in my opinion) thinking that if I do ABC then 
XYZ will happen.  Well, XYZ is going to happen if it's going to happen. In the meantime  I am going to work hard to not fear the loss of control after a workout or during a long day at work. I am going to work on not dreading the leg going funny (not really so very funny at all) as the day drags on and I am already exhausted. I am determined to be smarter about whatever my body needs to be okay and get through my life, knowing that once I get my feet up and a bit of rest things will be better. I never wake up burning and red like I am when I go to bed at night, and the pain in my hip is never as acute in the morning as it is during the day,  a bit of rest always always always does me good. Even the spasms that bring me to my knees sometimes are better in the morning when I have had a rest from being on my feet. This is all what I will be working 
hard to dwell on. Time for a grateful diary again huh? Time to stop being afraid and 
angry and start getting control over the things that I can control...more sleep more 
exercise and smarter about meds being with me at all times. 

Yikes okay this was by far the scariest post I have ever attempted. We will see how long I feel like being honest, maybe it will be another two years before we talk again!! I hope not. My soul is sooo over this!!